Wednesday, February 04, 2009 @ 1:30 AMObviously my posting moods are erratic and I believe, unpredictable. In recent months, I haven't really found the energy to post about anything, nor have I found anything worthy of being posted (that is not to say that the people in my life have been boring because they have been ever-so-wonderful and dear to me).
After almost 16 years of living and being presumptuous, I realised that I really don't know the people around me well. When I think about it, I feel as though I don't know anyone at all, not even myself. I do have close friends, yes I do. But I feel rather inadequate and insufficient, almost too ashamed to call myself their friend. I don't think I'm being emotional or having low self-esteem here. It's just that when I actually have the rare moments of complete freedom from any stress-inducing aspects of my life I'd like to call commitments, I find myself unable to run away from the fact that I do take people for granted.
Over the past two years, many things have taken place which made me realise how precious every individual is to me. Regardless of whether I talk with them often, these people have, undeniably, a part to play in shaping who I've become. However, I cannot seem to instill within myself the rigour to show appreciation and friendly love to the people I care about every single day. I want to, you know.
The whole thing about self-dicovery hasn't worked out for me. Can't find my bearings, don't know where I'm heading. Maybe I just need more time. A lot more.
Sometimes I wonder why I still post when I know that my blog readership is like one a month or something. But maybe that's precisely why I post. Because I know that the people who will read what I post are those who care enough to come read. & I'm really grateful.
On a much lighter note, a month has passed and this year is still going rather well for me, I must say! The whole positive outlook on life thing is definitely up and running! Never used to pay so much attention to priority, but it's amazing what this big P word can do for me. I truly believe that I have much more stamina than I used to have. & well, my life is pretty much stable. I just need to be more focused, composed and hardworking.
So much to look forward to, so much to strive for. Grades, softball, cheerleading...
& God.